depravity

Oh God, what have we done?
-A Plea for Purging, Malevolence

Is man evil?

"If God, right now, were to throw open the gate of Hell and say, 'Everyone who wants out of hell, the only thing you have to do is bow your knee to me and recognize my Lordship' they'll slam the door and stay in Hell... You don't realize that men are really evil. They really are evil." -Paul Washer, famous theologian.

i find it hard to believe that many people have directly rejected God. it just doesn't make sense to me.

i was recently in someone's house, and there was on the walls what a lot of people i know would find to be offensive. a portrait of Jesus, defaced, made to resemble a zombie. an inverted cross, with Jesus hanging upside down. someone else might see these things and think that this is an example of how evil people are, but i didn't feel that way. at all. (although, i was a little uncomfortable at first).

but were the people living in that home rejecting God?

Who hasn't been hurt by a Christian?

Rejected someone who claims to be of God makes perfect sense.
"He says he's a man of God; actions speak louder than words." -Cal Rebels.

I was talking to someone who frequents that place, and i told him about how my friend is severely sick. he looked at me, and with all sincerity said, "Holy sh*t." he cared about a person's suffering, even if he didn't bat an eye at the sacrilegious symbols on the wall.

what does it mean to say that man is evil?

photography projects

i had an assignment when i was in my photography class to take photos related to a theme of my choice; i believe i chose to do it on rubik's cubes. I took pictures involving my rubik's cube, and my teacher thought it was genius.

one of the ideas i thought about doing was to chronicle how someone had let me down. i thought of plenty of things i could capture. sometimes, people fail. sometimes, they come through. and sometimes, it's too late. and somehow, that seems nice.

malice

I can't sleep

and i'm hungry.

this is something i don't want to have to do. i think it's the best decision that we can make. i even think it is the best that i do it, instead of one of you guys, but come on. it's going to suck. and my solution (if you could call it that) would have been to passively wait until what we all expect to happen to just happen.


what should i tell him. i'm thinking that i might make it about how we want the best for him, but i'll admit now that was not the main focus of the conversation. i could tell him how we need what we do. i don't want anyone to be upset, especially considering how we want this to peter out. we'll just see, what we see.

Who Am I

It'a nightmare, but it's paradise
it's a terror, but it will entice
it's a treacherous sea
it's an ocean breeze
and i hate what it has made me

Who AM I?

This nightmare, you drug me into
but i came running without a moment to lose
it's a treacherous sea
it's an ocean breeze
and i hate what it has made me

Who AM I?

The Secret

Where are you; where did you go?

i know that things change/ but i hoped that this could be the same/ were you ever who i knew for so long?/ how can that be, now that you're gone?

Where are you? Where did you go?

dude 1: hey, bro.
dude 2: hey.
dude 1: i had a dream about you last night.
dude 2: yeah?
dude 1: yeah, man it...
dude 2 (interrupting): hold on man, just a minute
(the two drink, then trade drinks, then lock arms and drink. the maneuver is clumsy).
dude 1: yeah, i had a dream last night.
dude 2: yeah?
dude 1: yeah bro; you were in it.
dude 2: really?
dude 1: yeah, it wasn't weird though.
dude 2: no, not weird at all.
dude 1: totally.

lyrics

i've been thinking about sharing lyrics that i wrote for a project that i'm working on with Zach and Tony. part of me doesn't want to, but i like these ones.

Have We Met

I thought I remembered you, but we’ve never met before. My ideas of you must have been dreams.
Have we met?
They thought you stood firm, but refused to stand back.
They move you!
I thought that you stood strong.
I was wrong.


(i had to edit it down a little bit to make it fit with the song, but these are what i wrote originally).

How long until my day...

(not my poem, but a friend asked me to write up my interpretation).

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.
-1 Corinthians 13:12

(also, the reason why i started coming up with this was to prove that interpretation is totally up to the interpretator, and can be anything).

This poem deals with the readers struggle to feel connected to a savior that they sometimes feel is distant. They have an understanding that they don't have full knowledge of the creator that they long so desperately to be near. this is made clear in the phrase "Ghost of Hallelujah." this is an allusion to the verse in 1 Corinthians pertaining to the distance and confusion that is present in a relationship with a divine being until the day when we will be brought together with that being.

the phrase "your ours" in the poem is a bit trickier, involving some interesting word play, as well as a compelling feeling of frantic-ness. Taken literally, (as is one of the ways the word is meant to be taken), the phrase refers to the hope that the reader has in participating in the kingdom that is coming. this phrase when read in this way sort of communicates an idea similar to the colloquial "mi casa es tu casa" expression, demonstrating a desire to share with in the things that the creator has, as well as recognizing that everything about the readers self is given to the almighty. the second meaning is hidden in the your, which is a malapropism for you're. the statement would now read to mean that the creator is something that we can hold onto despite the great distance and confusion. this is also important because it reveals that the phrases are illustrative of a rushed and frantic atmosphere, so much as to cause the wrong words or phrases to occasionally be used by mistake. this complements the feeling of despair that the reader is feeling, that causes them to feel the words expressed in the poem.

finally, the beginning of the poem reveals the pain that the creator also feels in regard to the separation between the two. "Messes" is actually meant to be read as "Messiah's," further adding to the frantic anguish discussed in the previous paragraph connected to the malapropisms. So, the line is instead, "Look Messiah's tears," can now be interpreted to reveal a crying almighty, broken and feeling the same sort of disheartenment as the reader. this omnipotent being longs to be with the defeated and hurt reader as the reader wants to be with the omnipotent.

there was no fighting in my house for 5 days.

discovery!

i'm pretty sure that the few people who follow my blog will want to know that i found out i could combine the two i had before into one. so i did. and i deleted the other one.

lyric

i know that things change, but i hoped that this could stay the same.

Plan C

I think you're doing good in your personal ministry. And i also think you are helping greatly in your local church. but i think you are so concerned with figuring out what Plan A is, that you won't even do your Plan B (i think you have a Plan B in case Plan A doesn't work, when you figure that out) and have defaulted to sort of Plan C. i don't believe you'd recommend what you are doing right now to anyone.

edit: this is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world. and she always looked so sad in photographs, but i absolutely love her, when she smiles.

guest blog

by Courtney!

our respective first months blogging.

for Baring My Heart- Butterflies, Fireflies and Sunrise- Caution- I Don't Think I Would Want To Name a Blog That.

most used words on Baring My Heart, September

(that soon?! O:)

most used words on Butterflies, Fireflies and Sunrise for the month of September.

(more word pics soon!)

gumby is a great toy. i found him when i used to clean trucks.

human comics

is this even readable?

more days at work

i took an odd job today. i had gone down to Clover Park believing I'd get some pay. I worked a camera and listened to teachers, the superintendent, board members and a business man talk about the future of the school. "Lets face it. Times are tough," said Mr. Cole, "But then, all times are tough. Some tougher than others."

times seem really tough to a kid just graduating when he gets a StarBucks gift card instead of real bucks.

2 ways to fail

1. Acting without thinking
2. Thinking without acting

stupid guitar

youth breaks string while replacing the old strings on an acoustic, decides not to get more.

youth gets emotional while playing the King of the Hill theme song.

youth regrets showing off his abilities to one who was particularly impressed.

Little kid tries to get published.

Today, a kid in the tacoma area decided that his story was finished and sent it off to a group of editors interested in creating an anthology.

oh craps. he is pretty hopeful.

"I like writing. My high school teacher encouraged me to try to get something published, and i like stories about death, and hey, these guys want stories about death? i think i can help. i hope." stated the kid.

the child mentioned that is really hopeful about it, but is trying not to "get his hopes up" about the situation.

"several dudes and ladies from all over the world are submitting stories. it would be sweet if i got in, but i just have to hope that what i wrote stands out, from all those other stories about death."

the site for the book says final decisions about the stories will be made by october.

quote i wish i lived by

"those with 'something to fall back on' invariably fall back on it."
-Joey Comeau

429

i knew i was a nerd when i saw a comic on asofterworld and recognized the author of dinosaur comics in the picture.

summer camp

sun lakes v. silver lake camp

sun lakes isn't a christian camp, so there are random campers there too. it's like being in the real world.

silver lake is full of weird-oes.

i guess i'm out of school

but i dream of being in class.

teach me

how to fly

how long ago was it

that we stopped the ex boyfriend from physically fighting his ex girlfriend?


we went to the park to play baseball.

but some kid was telling us, pointing at this girl who was- what, 13?- that her ex boyfriend was coming to fighting her. we weren't down with that.

we saw the bf show up, big, tall dude. bigger than we were. so we weren't going to have that.

one of us got his car, that red truck, and i stayed back to yell and make sure nothing happened, then we got her in the truck and took her home, shouting at the boy to be a man and go home.

but what might've happened a week later?

parable

once there was an ant who was very close to a grasshopper that pretended to be an ant. but one day the grasshopper was revealed to be what it really was. the ant still felt connected to it, and they still seemed to have some value in each other. the grasshopper, in all its grasshopper-y-ness, decided to rid itself of all its ant things. the ant inherited most of these things, but it still drives the ant crazy to see other grasshoppers making use of one particular thing.

anxiety

if you really knew me.

you should have heard the things people shared. it was shocking. of course some of them were dumb ("i'm excited to get cheap prom photos") but the ones some people were willing to share in a stupid little game was nearly unsettling. "my parents put me on anti depressants because i cry a lot," or "i read a lot because it makes me forget how lonely i am."

right when i saw what we were doing, i could feel the pain welling up in my chest. my heart pounded, skipped a beat, pounded harder. racing. bursting. pain. skip beat, pound. POUND. POUND. POUND. faster. pound pound. faster. poundpoundpoundpoundpoundpoundpound. incessant. skip beat. pain. anxiety.

i wrote something down; i wanted to share. but the fear that is caused by such games, the fear it provokes in me, is unconquerable.

a pen in my hand is a lighting rod to madness

i don't get the same feeling from a keyboard at my fingertips.

i heard

that you are supposed to interpret things in your dreams as symbols; lets try that out.



I, shackled to middle class success, using it as some sort of carriage, rode and nearly collided into Freedom. Freedom rode a wild past, and we both stopped as we came perpendicular, me nearly t- boning her. We both stopped, my automobile, her majestic beast.

Rolling down my window, I popped my head out the side of my 4 door American Dream machine, and starred at the nostalgic beauty Freedom rode. How strange it appeared, neat, yet glistening with the hard work it must have known. Yet happy, undeniably so. And why not? It must have been comparing its peacefulness to the disorder it was surrounded with. But that was before I saw her, amiss in the loud screams of those enslaved by industry, ordering burgers, yelling at pedestrians, ignoring their journey, completely consumed with their assigned destinations. When I saw her, and she saw me, we both began to cry.

Machine of Death

from the book i'm currently reading:


"Here's what happened: On January 8th about 2,000 protestors marched through Cleveland, opposing the death machine. Police showed up in riot gear to keep things civil, but the crowd turned violent."

i just want to know if anyone else would find this reaction surprising.

this poem is about you

tell me what it means

banana wine harp
encyclopedia
zoo file signature
mermaid leather
paw service mouse
pincer cheat torture
courier evening bow
curl
tongue
legs bundle
copyright chimpanzee
immigrant mushroom
energy prejudice estate
raincoat tragedy
saddle dish

we know who you are.

from the archive

*author's note... not really.


Details hazy in awkward moment, but a youth is shamed. 
while hanging out with some people who a kid knew, he was shamed because of a year long term that was part of an agreement that was made.

it seems that the kid was with some friends when they started discussing a movie that they could all go see. one, who knew of the agreement that had been made looked at him and said, "it's ok, cause its rated PG-13." to which another shouted, nearly in a rage, "come on, you've seen a 'R' rated movie before. you're not that lame."

"what is the purpose of this rule?"

i saw you at the gas station

i'd post more, but it'll probably give it away. even though you probably will never read this.

startling new invention

think geek has produced revolutionary 2-D glasses!

invented for those who hate the experience of 3-D movies, these glasses convert the image of 3-D movies into 2-D, so that you don't have to see the movie in its intended glory.

"I'm only willing to visit placid lakes, salt flats, and painting exhibits until the world's 3-D technology improves," stated Randall Munroe, of the webcomic xkcd.

Impressions

The cold, hard cement was as unforgiving as the air given off by the creatures grazing over it. Disquietude sat in the mist of the fog, creeping over the courtyard to greet us, the newcomers, the ones wondering how they could survive in this new, anxious place. What would sustain us? It mirrored nothing familiar, but rather was the greatest unknown we ever knew. As the fog drifted around, I thought back to what I had been told, how I had been assured, and thought to myself, “this isn’t the same at all.”

Mom admonishes local youth;

youth doesn't understand.

The mother chastised her child for being robbed, according to several sources. "I don't know how she can be mad at me," answered the youth, in response to his mother's actions. "It isn't like i was trying to get robbed."

the incident occurred after the youth's shoes were stolen at an MxPx show at El Corazon last night. the youth was crowd surfing when someone came up, took off his shoe, and never returned it. he also lost the other shoe while in the pit, but received that one back.

"what could i do?" asked the youth, "he took my shoe off of me, and i couldn't do much about it. i was literally being carried away," he finished with a laugh.

a diligent search was staged for the missing shoe, involving a four man search party that turned up no results. the youth participated in the search party, carrying the shoe he had while shouting, "Lost shoe looking for soul mate," which, he reported, got many smiles and giggles.

"i bought my own shoes to replace them. so i don't think my mom should be mad."

"I am sorely disappointed, that you as an 18 year old man, could not have your feet firmly planted on the ground, but would allow yourself to have them stolen from right underneath you. i am immensely disappointed. stand firm. stand firm. stand firm," said the mom in an official statement.

The youth said that he enjoys being at shows, and that he had a lot of fun regardless of the incident. "i don't care if you agree with the decisions i've made; i wouldn't trade my experiences for anything."

letters to people who will never read them, pt 8

you know, he actually is quite a nice guy. i don't think that it is necessarily completely your fault that you think ill of him, but it has to do with the way he sees you too. he doesn't see anything wrong with you, he just doesn't think he has a snowball's chance of being taken seriously by someone like you, where you are.

see, its the fault of people like you. otherwise, when you asked him a question about the things he does, he might have answered in an honest way. what chance does he have of being taken seriously by someone in a position like yours? would you have taken him seriously, unlike the others before you? would you have understood, or just argued?

the way you worded the question, i could see how he would view that as a trap. maybe thats a part that you could have done better.

so, next time he is mentioned, please don't roll your eyes at the thought of him. he is a great guy, a wonderful example that i follow. and you take me seriously.

feeling important.

i helped out with more kids today. its one of my favorite things to do, even though sometimes its tiring. i just love looking at the future. the tiny, cute little future.

today, one of the little girls in the class was excited to have older kids dote on her. she spun and twirled in her dress, showing us how it would rotate, as if she were a princess. later, she asked me to read her books.

i read Go, Dog, Go! and The Kitten Book. and, for some reason, reading books to the future felt like the most important thing in the world.

adventures at market place

i was driving through the night, a dark night, the sky and moon covered by gloomy clouds, no light from the moon, just from the buildings and cars that i was driving past, wondering about where i should i go, and how i could get there. it seemed too expensive to pay for the kind of growth i wanted, but i questioned if the alternative, the cheap, quick alternative, would provide adequate (not comparable) guidance. i worried about where the money would come from for either option. and Fear rode with me, a companion on the journey.

as Fear and i discussed what i should do, i decided that i needed a distraction, so i stopped for a drink. at market place i decided that a Jones would provide me something to sip on as Fear and i worried together. but somewhere along the journey between the beverage aisle and the register, Fear was drug off, bound and gagged by a far more menacing companion, and somehow i missed the muffled screams of my old partner from behind the cereal boxes and cookies.

at the register, i stood behind some lady, and she fumbled with her wadded cash, paying for her items. she looked not too old, but worn, defeated by the few years she knew. she dropped a 20 dollar bill, it glided to the floor, completely unnoticed by her, or the man with her, who i'd assume was her husband.

as my eyes were transfixed by the bill, Greed tickled my ear with its ideas of what to do. long had my real need for money vanished from my mind, and he was all that remained. i saw it, and watched it, entertaining the ideas that Greed had. i didn't even know what i would do with it, but that i could use it. as the guy with the lady asked for cigarettes, i uttered no word, no syllable, to attract their attention to the abandoned bill. finally, as something reminded me of what was right, i said, "excuse me," but was unheard. so i stooped down, lifted the note, and handed it to the lady, saying, "i think you dropped this."

she said to her friend, "that doesn't happen every day."

i've gotten to know her

local youth gets to know girl much better.

"its weird. i knew you so well, but i never really talked to her. despite... you know."

the youth now is in a class with the girl, and notices many similarities to a friend of his.

"how could this not have worked?"

the youth and the girl have been working together on many assignments, which has led the youth to draw many comparisons between her and his friend. he finds the comparability startling.

things kids say

kid1: are you ethan's dad?
me: no, i'm not.
kid1: why not?

kid2: why are you wearing a bracelt with buttons?
me: because my friend gave it to me.
kid2: whats her name?
me: Courtney.
kid2: i don't like that name.

kid3: i'm not a big kid yet, because i don't want to be.

Good days

something in my mind rang different. the bells were struck by an old, almost forgotten clapper. a clapper that is as warm a memory as i am sitting here, drinking I Love Lemon tea. 

it doesn't sound quite right, but maybe thats part of the appeal. The Outlaw Bible of American Poetry. maybe its a mistake, something i will regret when i am your age, but i appreciate what i was given today. 

its an inspiration, a muse, and it makes me question that rebuttal you loved so much. and remember, everything is permissible. 

one last thing: are we all reading the same book?

"I want people to hear my poetry and vomit"

-David Lerner

not what i expected

meh, not feeling the news. just lame, math jokes.

i'm such a rip off of xkcd. only, they do it better.

High Fatality Rate in Lunchroom and When Skydiving

A recent study has shown that many people do not survive certain accidents.

The data, strenuously collected by a one man team, spending countless minutes searching out the Google results for the various phrases reveals that many people do not survive internet, animal, high school lunchroom, and skydiving accidents, when compared to the survival rate of car and airplane accidents.

The graph above shows the hits Google generates when the phrase "I survived an <X> accident" is typed into the search engine, the x variables being substituted into the phrase and the y axis representing the hits.

The results shows that while cars and airplanes are fairly safe, the internet, animals, the high school lunch room, and skydiving are all very dangerous.

"How many people do you know to survive an accident involving animals or a high school lunchroom?" asked the local man who recorded the data, "you are much safer driving a car or on an airplane. And don't get me started about those internet dangers."

white kids left out

In a journalism class at Washington High School, students work while listening to Pandora's online radio.

Typically, the class listens to rap/ hip hop/ and R&B styles of music, the preferred genre of most of the students, as well as the teacher.

Today, while listening to such music, a song came up, and the entire class began singing along, save the two whitest kids in the class.

"I heard the song come on," said one of the students, "and i started looking around to see if any one else wasn't singing along." the other shared the moment of confusion.

Everyone laughed when one who didn't know found the other and shouted "JP!" the student's name. everyone realized they were the only two who didn't know the song.

No Safe Place

Student bemoans having no where to go.

"It just sucks, man," the student complained, "I go here, she's there, I vent here, she hears me. What am I supposed to do?"

These complaints came on the heels of a secret grudge being leaked. Attempts were made at reconciliation, but it only made it worse.

Top Fears + quotes

The "new" top ten list of fears that plague Internet "users" is of flying, heights, clowns, "intimacy", death, rejection, people, snakes, success, and driving.

Bill Tancer conducted "his" study by analyzing the most frequently searched terms involving the phrase, "fear of..." revealing these to be the most common fears, if it is an "acceptable" assumption that people are most likely to search their own fears. 

The study devoted to "researching" the cause of fears has revealed much, and even suggests that fear may not only stem from personal trauma, but also noticing the fear in others. 

It is important to remember that "some" fears are more realistic than others.

fights

E: How did you get here?

J: my teacher showed me this website last year.

E: no, I mean, how did you get here? (Pointing at the ground).

J: oh. I drove.

E: what car?

J: my car, the one I always drive.

E: oh, cause, I like saw a car drive off, and I was like, “Oh no! His car got stolen!” I thought it might have been yours.

J: who would steal my car? (Laughing)

E: (walking away) sorry for being concerned!

J: no, Emily! I appreciate it!

E: whatever!

list of 25

1. ghost
2. church
3. empty heart
4. trail
5. outline
6. crazy
7. lizard love
8. cat and mouse
9. blue's clues
10. 1 ton
11. blind eye
12. roman coin
13. wash away
14. u turn
15. charlie brown tree
16. ship
17. inverted pyramid
18. twilight
19. bloody thoughts
20. broken glass
21. beach
22. less than
23. wine and pearls
24. bunny drinking poison
25. the king

New study suggests new top fears

The new top ten list of fears that plague Internet users is of flying, heights, clowns, intimacy, death, rejection, people, snakes, success, and driving.

Bill Tancer conducted his study by analyzing the most frequently searched terms involving the phrase, "fear of..." revealing these to be the most common fears, if it is an acceptable assumption that people are most likely to search their own fears.

The study devoted to researching the cause of fears has revealed much, and even suggests that fear may not only stem from personal trauma, but also noticing the fear in others.

It is important to remember that some fears are more realistic than others.

Youth asked for something to smoke at 7-11

"He didn't ask for a cigarette, " says the youth, "but something to smoke."

The teen was at the 7-11 returning a Redbox movie when the guy walked by.

"I guess he looked like he was old enough to smoke tobacco, but i'm not totally certain."

The person walked by the youth as he was waiting for another person to finish using the Redbox. There was another witness, a girl, who was texting and also waiting to return a movie. the boy walked by and asked, "Do any of you guys have something to smoke?" to which everyone shook their head, and then stood by the entrance to the store.

"I don't smoke," said the youth, "but i suppose that if i had had something, i would've given it to him."

Last night i had a dream

that I was talking to the editor of the school paper, except it wasn't the real editor, it was my friend Odila (obviously not her real name) instead. Odlia was telling me that she wanted me to write an article about a character from the bible.

"Who should i write it about?" i asked.
"The first one." she responded.
"Adam?"
"No Arnold! there is no cute Adam!" she replied with a huge smile.

then i woke up, and was telling my older brother about this dream. he turned away from me, doing something on his computer, and i stopped talking. then i actually woke up.

Nostalgia Post 2

I saw a girl with all black nails, but one was pink on each hand.

maybe her dad thinks that all black nails implies promiscuity?