Tell them to shut up

"This song goes out to all you straight edge faggots. F*** YOU!"
"Did you say 'faggots'?"
"Yeah, I called you a faggot, you f***ing faggot..."
*people begin leaving the room*
"... If you get offended by someone calling people 'faggot' then you are a f***ing faggot! ..."

I love that we all walked away. There is no reason for this kinda of hateful language, and I'm glad we didn't tolerate it.
There is no reason for this to happen; there is no reason we should put up with it.

Party

You're at a party, and everyone is waiting for you to turn 18. At midnight, everyone starts singing happy birthday, then you run into the bathroom to vomit. There is a guy shouting in your ear, "you're a man now."

I'm afraid that tonight could drive a wedge in the middle of a stressed relationship. We have enough problems with disunity anyway.

Also, some things that are being said make me wonder if you'll leave, or if we'll drive you away.

Time makes a bit of difference, but I think it's weird that you can have this commitment and give it up. A month, thats dumb, but I guess you never really had that passion? Maybe you were talked into and out of it. That short time is silly, but I guess I understand why.

A year confuses me more. You are in this deep, and it seems like its a pretty big focus of your life. How much you're doing can't be ignored. You get stoked at the mention of Floor Punch, but where will you be when your 18?

You're one old dude. Your example has literally changed lives. It changed mine. You were the reason I believed. What could motivate you to give this up now? I'll keep your words alive; everything that you no longer hold on to will be carried by those you influenced. The legacy you chose to let die can't, not as long as I'm still here. I just don't understand you at all.

I just think it seems a little dishonest.

"...submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior." -Ephesians 5:21-23

the interpretation we had going, it sounds pretty good. I'm all about equality, and that is what you are reading into it. Sometimes, I agree, you should submit to your wife. I'm all about that. But I think it seems dishonest to call it biblical.
I notice, now, looking at the verse, that the verse after 22 seems to really drive home the sexism we are trying to distance ourselves from. 21 was the right choice to misdirect us on, to pull the sleight (submitting to one another). That one seems more equal, but not in the context.
I'm thinking I want to argue here, that by this chapter, equality doesn't seem biblical.


I feel weird saying that I think something is good, but not biblical. I feel like I've said something wicked, or that it's a paradox.

"why do you suppose that belief persists?"
"It's troubling. I guess because guys, people like me, haven't done our job."

quotes i'm not sure I agree with

"To truly become Christians we must also repent of the reasons we ever did anything right. Pharisees only repent of their sins, but Christians repent for the very roots of their righteousness, too. We must learn how to repent of the sun under all our other sins and under all our righteousness - the sin of seeking to be our own Saviour and Lord." -Tim Keller

"Just because someone tells you about Jesus doesn't mean they are 'shoving it down your throat' we just know there is a better life out there for you and care for you." - David S.

if i gave you 9 bucks would you waste an hour?

The last time I called in sick to work (not found someone to cover for me), was for a wedding. It was a longer shift; I think it might've been 8 hours. I felt kinda guilty, just skipping an entire shift like that. But the thought I kept having was, if someone offered me 72 dollars to just skip the wedding, there is no way I would do that. That's just ridiculous.

do I know you? or were you just dream?

I would take away your rock designed to kill more people more quickly.

"Nukes don't kill people. People kill people."

i wobbled like mad

and skanked all night.

I imagine kids are riding home, to all around the nation feeling something powerful deep inside themselves.  encouraged. happy. other positive emotions.

I was called a hypocrite today. I guess that's cool. I felt at odds with so many booths. I wanted to antagonize them, but I just had a pain in my chest even being near them.

we met a kid named Isaac. I hope so much that he laughs. but his story nearly made me cry.

"it's already done"

"And as he was setting out on his journey, a man ran up and knelt before him and asked him, 'Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?' And Jesus said to him, 'Why do you ask what you must do? Don't you know that it is already done?'"

quotes in context

what does hence mean? I think therefore. I am not sure.

second guitar parts

rhythm and lead.
I can hear it now.

it reminds me of older times. it reminds me of doing that first  project. these could be friends. PMA? "Growing together sticking tight"?

it's like I'm 14 again. In a good way.

"You might be looking at my blog thinking 'What is going on? A title change?! This is an outrage.'"

you

I think about you a lot.
and it makes me mad.

I kinda think of you as being brainless. if God wants you to be a sheep, I think you nailed it. Your careless attitude left me dumbfounded. do you remember that? I was shocked. Completely shocked.

You are the reason everything has gone wrong. Or, you're the thing that is worse than what made it go wrong (probably that).

I participate, because I won't accept something just because someone said it.
I don't think I trust anyone that much.

This one's for my friends

I told a friend about how I wish I felt the way I used to. I wish I could be that positive, I wish I had that PMA. But if I was writing lyrics, it wouldn't be, "I've got your back and I know you've got mine," it would be, "I know things change, but I hoped this could stay the same."

"I don't believe in unity;

it's just one more abandoned dream."

Dear PDB

I ask these questions not so much because I'm searching for answers. I think I've found something that works for me. No, that isn't to say I know what I believe. Rather, I think I know what I don't believe.

I don't believe someone is in control. I don't believe things happen for a reason. I don't believe I have only one right choice. I don't believe that what happens after this is up to me.

On top of what I don't believe, I have doubts.

I doubt that there is anything after this. I doubt that someone is there. I doubt that these words are truly as powerful as you say they are.

But to what I was saying. I don't ask these questions because I want to know what I should be thinking about these problems that I have. I want to know that you think critically about these things, and if you don't, I want you to crumble

get up

"I am a patient boy
I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait
My time is water down a drain


Everybody's moving
Everybody's moving
Everything is moving,
Moving, moving, moving


Please don't leave me to remain
In the waiting room


I don't want the news
(I cannot use it)
I don't want the news
(I won't live by it)


Sitting outside of town
Everybody's always down
(Tell me why)


Because they can't get up
(Come on and get up)
(Come on and get up)


But I won't sit idly by
I'm planning a big surprise
I'm gonna fight
For what I want to be


And I won't make the same mistakes
Because I know how much time that wastes
Function is the key
Inside the waiting room


I don't want the news
(I cannot use it)
I don't want the news
(I won't live by it)


Sitting outside of town
Everybody's always down
(Tell me why)


Because they can't get up
(Come on and get up)
Up from the waiting room


Sitting in the waiting room
(Tell me why)
Because they can't get up"
-Fugazi Waiting Room

what day is it?

tell Jacob heavy stuff day? or something?

how much could i have it together?

Even if we started this out "right," life is difficult, I hear?

We could have it all worked out right when we start, and then everything could fall apart anyway.

Maybe for some, it doesn't matter if it starts out good or not. They are going to face tough times anyway.

bands

Today, in between bands playing at Rainfest, I went outside and noticed a lot of energy on the opposite corner, so I went to see what was going on. There was a band with an upright bass, a trombone, a guitar, a washboard and a dude tap dancing playing, along with an enthusiastic group of people dancing. It was pretty incredible. They were a pretty cool band, and I was really surprised by the dancers. 

I love seeing that kind of stuff. Thats something you have to go to the city for. 

"my friends look out for me like family. My mom's been struggling since I was three."

Rainfest

tonight at Rain Fest, I saw Between Earth and Sky for the first time. the lead guy from the band talked about feeling completely empty and helpless, and connected it to traditional Chinese philosophy. Which was interesting. before he explained about that culture, he explained that every member of their band had at one point contemplated suicide.

how common are those kinds of feelings?

the end of the world

so. more about that.
I think it's silly. whether we will see the end of the world or not is not important. I don't know if I really believe that God is going to come back and destroy the world anyway. I'm not into that.
Again, if you believe God is going to do that, it's still foolish to hypothesize about when it will be. It's a waste of time. Because whether the world will end in your lifetime or not, your life is going to end. Your time is limited. So you should be doing something with that.

i don't care

to speculate about the end of the world.

Rejected

So that verse, from 3 John that I was talking about? I think about the verse a lot.

People say that if you reject God, you're going to hell. Or something.
But what does that mean?

Does that mean not believing in him? Does that mean not having the right ideas about what he looks like? Or how he operates? Does that mean not making the one choice in every situation that he wants you to? Does that mean saying some special prayer?

What does "rejecting God" look like?

shame

I was sort of thinking about shame. I remembered. I could connect that back to the Cowardice song, but I'll try to control myself.

I have these events. I made the wrong move, I took a poor step, I said something I shouldn't have. That sort of thing. In my head, these play events will play randomly. And all I ever wanted was to forget. But shame burned them into the part of my brain that doesn't forget even if it wants to. The embarrassment recedes, and all I'm left with is this semi-emotionless video, that plays without me wanting me it to, over and over, and I still wish I could forget.

3 John

I was thinking about something... But now, I'm mostly just thinking about the new song by Cowardice. And it makes me think of other things. Jeremy (the vocalist of Cowardice) is one super cool dude, and he makes me think of this Bible verse all the time, "Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God." -3 John 3:11

logic

Logic is kinda tricky sometimes, I guess? Sometimes, we are right there. We're seeing everything, all the right connections are being made in the right way, but then we drop it somewhere, and everyone else says, "What? How did you miss that? How can you come to that conclusion?"

scene- kid and adult sitting next to each other in an audience at a kid's camp. The adult is a leader here. On the stage, there is a man who is playing out this skit sort of the thing, which involves him running off stage, shouting, making noise, claiming to be attacked by an alligator. The kids are young enough to eat it up, but it seems silly to any above the age of 10. The conversation is whispered.
kid: alligators don't live around here.
adult (not wanting to spoil the fun for any other kids): ... Yeah, that is true.
kid: it must be a robot.

Einstein

I've recently read some quotes from Einstein dealing with how he views God. There is some variances in his statements. The first I read said, "The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness..."

The most recent was, "... everyone who is seriously involved in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that some spirit is manifest in the laws of the universe, one that is vastly superior to that of man."

The first one is from 1954, and the latter was 1936, so that can account for some difference.

I find these interesting, but I wouldn't suggest that we take all of our theological advice from Einstein (just to be clear).

I got my copy today of Jar of Fools today. I've been reading the first novel for two years, over and over. I finally got the second today.
I need to read it.

you should read at lettersofnote.com everyday. among your other readings.

happiness

Have you ever thought about happiness? (hint: the answer is "no.") Maybe, you've thought about your sadness, or other people that were happy while you were down, and wondered why they got to be that way while you were miserable, but when you were happy, you probably didn't think much about it. You were too busy being happy.
Or, that's the way I am anyway.

My psych teacher said the other day that the reason there are good songs about being depressed and not as many, not as good songs about being happy or in love or what else, is because happy, in love people are too busy living life. They are at the park. The movies. Hanging out, having fun, doing other stuff. Broken hearts sit at home, mulling over things, sublimating their emotions into songs. I think that there is probably a bit of truth there, sure. But I also feel that there is much more to it than that.

Happiness is complacent. Happiness doesn't create. Happiness doesn't progress.
Happiness is a sedative.

Whether I'm happy or not, I still play guitar. But, my emotions don't require my thoughts when I'm content with how things are. So many good songs come from negative emotions because they beg us to pay attention to them. (Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me?) This also causes all progress in general. If I'm happy with the laws, I don't try to change them. If I'm content with my job, I don't look for a new one. If I see nothing wrong with the way people think, then I don't challenge them. Disquietude is necessary for anything to get done.

Today, I started thinking about what probably causes me to be happy. I mean, what really is going on inside myself. I think if more people thought about their happiness, it would be depressing.

"There was a man
who was so disturbed
by the sight of his own shadow
and so displeased
with his own footsteps,
that he determined to get rid of both.


The method he hit upon was
to run away from them.
So he got up and ran.


But everytime he put his foot down
there was another step,
while his shadow kept up with him
without the slightest difficulty.


He attributed his failure
to the fact
that he was not running fast enough.
So he ran faster and faster,
without stopping,
until he finally dropped dead.


He failed to realize
that if he merely stepped into the shade,
his shadow would vanish,
and if he sat down and stayed still,
there would be no more footsteps."
-Chuang-tzu

I'm all about coats

after giving a guy a coat because it's cold and the guy is homeless:
guy 1: should we pray for that guy?
guy 2: did God tell you we should?
guy 1: No, I just thought it was something we should do.
guy 2: Then no. That guy doesn't need to be prayed for. He just needed a coat.

Edge

I don't talk about being edge a lot. I haven't had x's on my hands in years. But tonight, I was talking to some dudes whom are edge. They are always x'd up. They started asking each other why they had claimed edge, and it was the coolest conversation to me.

My answer is because before I knew about straight edge, I thought there was no other option. I had assumed that when the chance came, everyone drank and smoked, went through times and what. I thought it was part of life. So, when I felt like I had a choice, I chose the other way.

Rusty and Matt

Matt: I like that you have that kind of attitude, because a lot of people will see something that they don't like and just say they want nothing to do with it.
Rusty: Yeah, it's actually something I learned from my grandma; she always said "If you don't like something, become a part of it, and change it."

I don't feel ready for the show saturday.

drafts

I was going to delete all the drafts I've written on here, but I decided not to. Most of them I deleted, but 3 of them I didn't. I probably won't publish them either.

2 of them deal with me struggling with God. I can remember the emotion when I was writing them, and I'm shocked at some of the things that I said (ok, one thing that I said). I remember why I said it, but it is strange to me that I recorded that feeling. It's something that I don't agree with, and I don't think I really would've defended it then either.

The third... haha, the third. It seems like it's the only problem we have. That was emotional.

conversations

girl in math class: we're neutering my cat this weekend.
dude in math class: he's going to hate you forever.
me: is it a boy cat?
girl: he is going to hate me... yes, he's a boy... but he deserves it. his middle name is Sh*t Head.
me: what is his first name?
girl: Sweets.

Pretend

I remember analyzing MGMT lyrics. We disagreed about the lyrics. MGMT said the song was about one of the things we said though. We were both close, but the attitude towards it was closer to what one of us was saying. There was a right answer, and one of us was wrong.

But, people have this incredible ability to read what they want. I was even doing it with that song; what I said it was is closer to something I'd say, and the same for you. If there is or isn't a right answer, we'd both pretend it said something that made sense to us, or that we liked, or whatever.

and before that with the dada poems; everyone found meaning in something random. There was nothing there, except what we projected on to it.

It seems dangerous to me, that our brains are doing this. It kinda scares me. Most the time, I don't think we are over thinking things. I think most the time, there is something deep in items, that should be thought out and will make sense. But are there times where we over scrutinize too closely, and find ideas and messages that aren't there?

THIS DUDE

I was talking to this dude at work. I've talked to him a few times, but mostly about work stuff. I did know that he was at PLU, and I knew he was good at math. That's about it though.

I don't know how it came up, but I ended up asking him what he was studying, or what he was going to do, something along those lines. He told met that he is a musical performance major. He also mentioned that the great majority of musical performance majors are either guitarist or vocalist, but he's not. He is majoring in clarinet. He is going to be a professional clarinet player.

IS A BOSS.

High Hopes

Thumper. Yeah. We thought we were at least as good as them. We were sure we could do that. I mean, look at them. We had it together at least that well. but everything fell apart. I was so stoked on just that email; I guess I still hoped it could work out. But now, I see nothing. I see no destination.

If things were as they had been, I would be flying right now. I would be the happiest kid ever. Where can this go, though? Is this a legitimate possibility?  Is this something that I can continue to hold on to? would it be worth it?

I saw this thing the other day that said "some people believe in God; I believe in music. some people pray; I turn up the radio."

My psych teacher was talking about sarcasm. he told this story about how his wife (who is also a teacher) challenges the students to come up with an example of sarcasm where there isn't a victim, or someone who is hurt by it. Link (my teacher) said his favorite example someone came up with was this girl who said she jokes with her boyfriend on the way to the bedroom, "are you ready to have sex for 2 minutes?" which, no one argued was actually a good thing for her to say.
"no, I'm just trying to relieve tension, make light of it..." -That girl.

 I'm pretty sarcastic sometimes, so I'm trying to think of who I'm victimizing.

I wasn't happy today. It seems like I've been feeling kinda bummed more often lately. Maybe it has to do with what I've been thinking about God. It isn't exactly happy times struggling with everything I've believed. Tonight, I went to the Redroom, for the open stage night. I love those (tonight was a little more awkward than last time, but there was still some stellar performances). I played 4 times, 3 songs. It was fantastic. "Look at you; you're grinning from ear to ear!"

fights

kids are playing football. a group forms around one person who has just shown up, with a starbucks drink. they are talking about different kinds of drinks that they like to get, when out of the corner of the groups collective eye, they notice a scuffle, but think nothing of it. two men break up the fight, and shout a little to end everything. the group mutters, "i thought they were playing around."

Conversation, February 17th, 2011.

me: you know when J**** was talking about doing things to alleviate the pain of people in our neighborhood and potentially getting the opportunity to share Jesus with them? i wanted to ask at the very end if we would be disappointed with our work if we didn't have that opportunity. cause if we were, then i think we would be missing the point. one of the things i liked from the book said:
"all of this is to say that when we talk about Jesus, we must make it clear that he is not just interested in our well being in the after life..."
and this is something that i thought he really had right. if we can do something that just makes the world a better place now, how can that not be worth it? isn't that, in itself, part of God's mission? the only problem i really know about with the social gospel was the idea that Jesus will come back when the world is a good enough place, but i think its still really important to do what we can to make the world better.
him: Good point. I noticed that. It was a lot of, 'you don't have to witness directly if you just serve... but you would anyway.' A lil double talkish. That perspective could bias a person to where they're still pushing to witness even though they claim they're just going to serve.
It's kind of like the expectations placed on short term mission trips. Your youth pastor tells you you're going there to serve and change people's lives, when in reality the purpose for you to go, to an already established outreach, is so you can be changed. And this perspective that isn't holistic could leave you thinking, as we discussed, that that is missions; spending money to travel somewhere far far away and sleeping on the floor, etc., for one week, and thus limiting and biasing your expectations for missions and in turn how you practice missions.

I burst into the room, and there he sat
at his desk, reclining, legs crossed.
his gray hair in it's familiar ponytail.
he turned a little to me, but was comfortable and unconcerned,
sage-like
and he spoke encouragement.

i assured him i had thought of that.
but i left wondering,
could i, would i?
really?

something special in this person's work

http://comics.lucyknisley.com/2009/02/optimism/

from Least Helpful

it's this blog? and they post reviews that are ridiculous? but real?

http://leasthelpful.com/

"i hate that girl."

this girl who sits near me in my soc class is clearly very reserved. i've heard her complain about people being so open about their lives and their opinions in the class; she doesn't think it's normal. we both watched a video about abortion, and she told me how terrible she thinks abortion is. "anyone who has an abortion should never be able to have kids... they should (during abortion procedures) remove anything the women doesn't need, because she shouldn't have kids."
i was shocked by her openness with her views, even going as far to suggest that a women who gets raped and gets pregnant shouldn't get an abortion, because that is her fault.
she told me that she hates hearing people communicate liberal ideas, because they just sound stupid to her.
she told me she is offended by gay marriage.
i've never known any one to be so conservative as she is, and so honest about it. people are usually respectful enough to keep some stuff to themselves, or at least find a better way to say the things that she was communicating.
it was, some how, kind of refreshing?
of course, i didn't agree with her on, anything. honestly, people who more subtly say what she is saying i think sound stupid (the same as she said of liberal ideas). but i found this girl fascinating, and i sort of appreciated her bluntness? or something?

Absurdism wooo

100%

i want to play music. i want to dance. i want days of endless roads and sleepless nights. that is what i really want. that is when i am truly happy. heaven is on that stage. but i'm afraid. can i really give 100%? i am starting to feel confused and desperate. Sometimes I wish I never found this. Sometimes I wish I could turn away. i have been enjoying my classes, but I still want more.

I don't want a home anymore.

it's interesting

the best argument i heard against gay marriage i've ever heard was refuted so easily. (it was more a "problem" with it than anything though).

one person was talking about this chart.

the other responded that there does exist another consequence, parenthood would have to be redefined (this is interesting to think about legally), because the married couple couldn't biologically have kids.

but the person immediately responded that this happens with divorce to.

and upon further thought, adoption.

just saying.

"I'd rather wake up every morning tired and smiling than fully rested with nothing."
-Jeremy Bushnell

beauty

there is a lot of beauty in my poetry class. that's all we're looking for. reading poems and talking about how it tickles the ear. "poetry happens in the ear, and on the tongue. and on the heart. ear, tongue, heart." some much of it is pretty, so much of it is fun, so much flows gracefully over the rigid meter.
but nothing speaks to me.

i'm supposed to read a poem to my class, preferably one from the book. but i want to read this to them. how wildly inappropriate.

"tell some lies about yourself"

a 300 word autobiography


Being raised outside of a large city is nearly unbearable. There is the constant fear, for starters. I was mugged for the first time when I was 4 years old, 2 years after the first time I mugged someone. That’s the way it is in American cities, and I was headed down a treacherous path. Fortunately for me, I got out of that darkness just before it was too late.
When I was six, I started boxing. My pet fish actually is the one who inspired me to do something with my life, right after I got out of prison. The fish said to me, “Get your life together or I’ll hit you.” That’s when I noticed he was watching his old tapes; he had been an international boxing champion. I still, to this day, use his tattered old gloves.
He trained me to be a top caliber fighter. We became inseparable. He always was there to give me his patented brand of constructive criticism. I’ll never forget my first boxing match. He was ringside, swimming around in his little fish bowl, and I was taking a beating. I was being brutalized. It was the kind of savage attack you would think only animals are capable of performing. That was when my mentor shouted from the sidelines, “stop being such a namby-pamby; take a swing!” With that, I lifted my fist and clocked him in the chin. I won.
After that day I toured internationally, giving world famous athletes a beating night after night. I soon grew weary of the lifestyle: the constant traveling, the never ending fights, and the poor food. Plus, by this time I was the appropriate age to attend high school. That’s when I hung up my gloves to pursue education, a road I’m still traveling.