how long ago was it

that we stopped the ex boyfriend from physically fighting his ex girlfriend?


we went to the park to play baseball.

but some kid was telling us, pointing at this girl who was- what, 13?- that her ex boyfriend was coming to fighting her. we weren't down with that.

we saw the bf show up, big, tall dude. bigger than we were. so we weren't going to have that.

one of us got his car, that red truck, and i stayed back to yell and make sure nothing happened, then we got her in the truck and took her home, shouting at the boy to be a man and go home.

but what might've happened a week later?

parable

once there was an ant who was very close to a grasshopper that pretended to be an ant. but one day the grasshopper was revealed to be what it really was. the ant still felt connected to it, and they still seemed to have some value in each other. the grasshopper, in all its grasshopper-y-ness, decided to rid itself of all its ant things. the ant inherited most of these things, but it still drives the ant crazy to see other grasshoppers making use of one particular thing.

anxiety

if you really knew me.

you should have heard the things people shared. it was shocking. of course some of them were dumb ("i'm excited to get cheap prom photos") but the ones some people were willing to share in a stupid little game was nearly unsettling. "my parents put me on anti depressants because i cry a lot," or "i read a lot because it makes me forget how lonely i am."

right when i saw what we were doing, i could feel the pain welling up in my chest. my heart pounded, skipped a beat, pounded harder. racing. bursting. pain. skip beat, pound. POUND. POUND. POUND. faster. pound pound. faster. poundpoundpoundpoundpoundpoundpound. incessant. skip beat. pain. anxiety.

i wrote something down; i wanted to share. but the fear that is caused by such games, the fear it provokes in me, is unconquerable.