Putting Too Many Eggs in One Basket: The Story of My Life

I've been in advanced classes since I was in middle school. I was never the best student, but that had only to do with laziness, not a lack of capability. I graduated high school with some college credit, because of my AP classes. I got accepted to universities, but I messed up.
I should've applied for more scholarships, but I only applied for one, and given my family's financial status, it would've paid for it all. At one of the meetings with students competing for that scholarship, a representative from one of the schools said, "I hope you haven't put all your eggs in one basket. Everyone of you should be going to university whether you get this scholarship or not."
I was really sure it would pan out, but it didn't.
So I went to community college.
I saw this band play, and right then, in the middle of hell's kitchen, I thought to myself, "this band is going somewhere." I wanted in. So I made an effort to connect with these guys, and before long, they asked me to join their band.
Then I dropped out of community college before our first tour.
I still think this band can make it, but sometimes I wonder how many eggs I have left.

Notes in My Phone: October 4th

I'm a fucking coward.
I've know for a while this isn't what I wanted. It's not what I thought it was. It wasn't recent that I first wrote down a list of reasons I should abandon this. But I haven't acted. Why?
Because I'm a fucking coward.
I'm too afraid that I'll never have an opportunity again. For what? To do something that is half of what I thought it was? To perform the lesser half of a 6 year dream? I'm sticking around for that? Who would hold on to half a dream?
Only a fucking coward.

We are so much more

"My gender is not something I perform; it is something I am." 

I think this is interesting, but I'm not sure what I think about it. 

I guess my question comes down to people who experience gender dysphoria, and especially those who choose to transition into a body that they are comfortable with. I don't know. I just don't know what to think of this. I haven't thought that there was anything wrong with that choice. But, could it be a side effect of saying that men are one way, and women another? Then, upon finding that humans aren't that simple, someone feels they need to switch? I don't like the way that sounds for that person. It just feels wrong. 

However, I also dislike the idea of dismissing it, because I feel that implies that gender is something more than a social definition.

I don't know. I just don't know.

I'd rather be crazy

Don't ask me why.

This culture built on dismissing serious concerns, a language that inherently puts more than half of us down based on physical characteristics, then more on the way the the privileged half doesn't identify with what we are supposed to.

I'm being over sensitive. I'm over reacting. I'm the one who's crazy.

Do you think caring about these things is silly? Am I being crazy? Am I over doing it to care if this many of us realize we are hurt, and numerous others hate themselves and don't even realize it, or where it comes from? Is that an over reaction?

(I know I've hated myself for who I am. I'm just now starting to grasp that.)

I'd rather be crazy, if dismissing people's well being is what you call sane.

Tell them to shut up

"This song goes out to all you straight edge faggots. F*** YOU!"
"Did you say 'faggots'?"
"Yeah, I called you a faggot, you f***ing faggot..."
*people begin leaving the room*
"... If you get offended by someone calling people 'faggot' then you are a f***ing faggot! ..."

I love that we all walked away. There is no reason for this kinda of hateful language, and I'm glad we didn't tolerate it.
There is no reason for this to happen; there is no reason we should put up with it.

Party

You're at a party, and everyone is waiting for you to turn 18. At midnight, everyone starts singing happy birthday, then you run into the bathroom to vomit. There is a guy shouting in your ear, "you're a man now."

I'm afraid that tonight could drive a wedge in the middle of a stressed relationship. We have enough problems with disunity anyway.

Also, some things that are being said make me wonder if you'll leave, or if we'll drive you away.