This one's for my friends

I told a friend about how I wish I felt the way I used to. I wish I could be that positive, I wish I had that PMA. But if I was writing lyrics, it wouldn't be, "I've got your back and I know you've got mine," it would be, "I know things change, but I hoped this could stay the same."

"I don't believe in unity;

it's just one more abandoned dream."

Dear PDB

I ask these questions not so much because I'm searching for answers. I think I've found something that works for me. No, that isn't to say I know what I believe. Rather, I think I know what I don't believe.

I don't believe someone is in control. I don't believe things happen for a reason. I don't believe I have only one right choice. I don't believe that what happens after this is up to me.

On top of what I don't believe, I have doubts.

I doubt that there is anything after this. I doubt that someone is there. I doubt that these words are truly as powerful as you say they are.

But to what I was saying. I don't ask these questions because I want to know what I should be thinking about these problems that I have. I want to know that you think critically about these things, and if you don't, I want you to crumble

get up

"I am a patient boy
I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait
My time is water down a drain


Everybody's moving
Everybody's moving
Everything is moving,
Moving, moving, moving


Please don't leave me to remain
In the waiting room


I don't want the news
(I cannot use it)
I don't want the news
(I won't live by it)


Sitting outside of town
Everybody's always down
(Tell me why)


Because they can't get up
(Come on and get up)
(Come on and get up)


But I won't sit idly by
I'm planning a big surprise
I'm gonna fight
For what I want to be


And I won't make the same mistakes
Because I know how much time that wastes
Function is the key
Inside the waiting room


I don't want the news
(I cannot use it)
I don't want the news
(I won't live by it)


Sitting outside of town
Everybody's always down
(Tell me why)


Because they can't get up
(Come on and get up)
Up from the waiting room


Sitting in the waiting room
(Tell me why)
Because they can't get up"
-Fugazi Waiting Room

what day is it?

tell Jacob heavy stuff day? or something?

how much could i have it together?

Even if we started this out "right," life is difficult, I hear?

We could have it all worked out right when we start, and then everything could fall apart anyway.

Maybe for some, it doesn't matter if it starts out good or not. They are going to face tough times anyway.

bands

Today, in between bands playing at Rainfest, I went outside and noticed a lot of energy on the opposite corner, so I went to see what was going on. There was a band with an upright bass, a trombone, a guitar, a washboard and a dude tap dancing playing, along with an enthusiastic group of people dancing. It was pretty incredible. They were a pretty cool band, and I was really surprised by the dancers. 

I love seeing that kind of stuff. Thats something you have to go to the city for. 

"my friends look out for me like family. My mom's been struggling since I was three."

Rainfest

tonight at Rain Fest, I saw Between Earth and Sky for the first time. the lead guy from the band talked about feeling completely empty and helpless, and connected it to traditional Chinese philosophy. Which was interesting. before he explained about that culture, he explained that every member of their band had at one point contemplated suicide.

how common are those kinds of feelings?

the end of the world

so. more about that.
I think it's silly. whether we will see the end of the world or not is not important. I don't know if I really believe that God is going to come back and destroy the world anyway. I'm not into that.
Again, if you believe God is going to do that, it's still foolish to hypothesize about when it will be. It's a waste of time. Because whether the world will end in your lifetime or not, your life is going to end. Your time is limited. So you should be doing something with that.

i don't care

to speculate about the end of the world.

Rejected

So that verse, from 3 John that I was talking about? I think about the verse a lot.

People say that if you reject God, you're going to hell. Or something.
But what does that mean?

Does that mean not believing in him? Does that mean not having the right ideas about what he looks like? Or how he operates? Does that mean not making the one choice in every situation that he wants you to? Does that mean saying some special prayer?

What does "rejecting God" look like?

shame

I was sort of thinking about shame. I remembered. I could connect that back to the Cowardice song, but I'll try to control myself.

I have these events. I made the wrong move, I took a poor step, I said something I shouldn't have. That sort of thing. In my head, these play events will play randomly. And all I ever wanted was to forget. But shame burned them into the part of my brain that doesn't forget even if it wants to. The embarrassment recedes, and all I'm left with is this semi-emotionless video, that plays without me wanting me it to, over and over, and I still wish I could forget.

3 John

I was thinking about something... But now, I'm mostly just thinking about the new song by Cowardice. And it makes me think of other things. Jeremy (the vocalist of Cowardice) is one super cool dude, and he makes me think of this Bible verse all the time, "Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God." -3 John 3:11

logic

Logic is kinda tricky sometimes, I guess? Sometimes, we are right there. We're seeing everything, all the right connections are being made in the right way, but then we drop it somewhere, and everyone else says, "What? How did you miss that? How can you come to that conclusion?"

scene- kid and adult sitting next to each other in an audience at a kid's camp. The adult is a leader here. On the stage, there is a man who is playing out this skit sort of the thing, which involves him running off stage, shouting, making noise, claiming to be attacked by an alligator. The kids are young enough to eat it up, but it seems silly to any above the age of 10. The conversation is whispered.
kid: alligators don't live around here.
adult (not wanting to spoil the fun for any other kids): ... Yeah, that is true.
kid: it must be a robot.

Einstein

I've recently read some quotes from Einstein dealing with how he views God. There is some variances in his statements. The first I read said, "The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness..."

The most recent was, "... everyone who is seriously involved in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that some spirit is manifest in the laws of the universe, one that is vastly superior to that of man."

The first one is from 1954, and the latter was 1936, so that can account for some difference.

I find these interesting, but I wouldn't suggest that we take all of our theological advice from Einstein (just to be clear).

I got my copy today of Jar of Fools today. I've been reading the first novel for two years, over and over. I finally got the second today.
I need to read it.

you should read at lettersofnote.com everyday. among your other readings.

happiness

Have you ever thought about happiness? (hint: the answer is "no.") Maybe, you've thought about your sadness, or other people that were happy while you were down, and wondered why they got to be that way while you were miserable, but when you were happy, you probably didn't think much about it. You were too busy being happy.
Or, that's the way I am anyway.

My psych teacher said the other day that the reason there are good songs about being depressed and not as many, not as good songs about being happy or in love or what else, is because happy, in love people are too busy living life. They are at the park. The movies. Hanging out, having fun, doing other stuff. Broken hearts sit at home, mulling over things, sublimating their emotions into songs. I think that there is probably a bit of truth there, sure. But I also feel that there is much more to it than that.

Happiness is complacent. Happiness doesn't create. Happiness doesn't progress.
Happiness is a sedative.

Whether I'm happy or not, I still play guitar. But, my emotions don't require my thoughts when I'm content with how things are. So many good songs come from negative emotions because they beg us to pay attention to them. (Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me?) This also causes all progress in general. If I'm happy with the laws, I don't try to change them. If I'm content with my job, I don't look for a new one. If I see nothing wrong with the way people think, then I don't challenge them. Disquietude is necessary for anything to get done.

Today, I started thinking about what probably causes me to be happy. I mean, what really is going on inside myself. I think if more people thought about their happiness, it would be depressing.

"There was a man
who was so disturbed
by the sight of his own shadow
and so displeased
with his own footsteps,
that he determined to get rid of both.


The method he hit upon was
to run away from them.
So he got up and ran.


But everytime he put his foot down
there was another step,
while his shadow kept up with him
without the slightest difficulty.


He attributed his failure
to the fact
that he was not running fast enough.
So he ran faster and faster,
without stopping,
until he finally dropped dead.


He failed to realize
that if he merely stepped into the shade,
his shadow would vanish,
and if he sat down and stayed still,
there would be no more footsteps."
-Chuang-tzu

I'm all about coats

after giving a guy a coat because it's cold and the guy is homeless:
guy 1: should we pray for that guy?
guy 2: did God tell you we should?
guy 1: No, I just thought it was something we should do.
guy 2: Then no. That guy doesn't need to be prayed for. He just needed a coat.

Edge

I don't talk about being edge a lot. I haven't had x's on my hands in years. But tonight, I was talking to some dudes whom are edge. They are always x'd up. They started asking each other why they had claimed edge, and it was the coolest conversation to me.

My answer is because before I knew about straight edge, I thought there was no other option. I had assumed that when the chance came, everyone drank and smoked, went through times and what. I thought it was part of life. So, when I felt like I had a choice, I chose the other way.

Rusty and Matt

Matt: I like that you have that kind of attitude, because a lot of people will see something that they don't like and just say they want nothing to do with it.
Rusty: Yeah, it's actually something I learned from my grandma; she always said "If you don't like something, become a part of it, and change it."

I don't feel ready for the show saturday.

drafts

I was going to delete all the drafts I've written on here, but I decided not to. Most of them I deleted, but 3 of them I didn't. I probably won't publish them either.

2 of them deal with me struggling with God. I can remember the emotion when I was writing them, and I'm shocked at some of the things that I said (ok, one thing that I said). I remember why I said it, but it is strange to me that I recorded that feeling. It's something that I don't agree with, and I don't think I really would've defended it then either.

The third... haha, the third. It seems like it's the only problem we have. That was emotional.

conversations

girl in math class: we're neutering my cat this weekend.
dude in math class: he's going to hate you forever.
me: is it a boy cat?
girl: he is going to hate me... yes, he's a boy... but he deserves it. his middle name is Sh*t Head.
me: what is his first name?
girl: Sweets.

Pretend

I remember analyzing MGMT lyrics. We disagreed about the lyrics. MGMT said the song was about one of the things we said though. We were both close, but the attitude towards it was closer to what one of us was saying. There was a right answer, and one of us was wrong.

But, people have this incredible ability to read what they want. I was even doing it with that song; what I said it was is closer to something I'd say, and the same for you. If there is or isn't a right answer, we'd both pretend it said something that made sense to us, or that we liked, or whatever.

and before that with the dada poems; everyone found meaning in something random. There was nothing there, except what we projected on to it.

It seems dangerous to me, that our brains are doing this. It kinda scares me. Most the time, I don't think we are over thinking things. I think most the time, there is something deep in items, that should be thought out and will make sense. But are there times where we over scrutinize too closely, and find ideas and messages that aren't there?

THIS DUDE

I was talking to this dude at work. I've talked to him a few times, but mostly about work stuff. I did know that he was at PLU, and I knew he was good at math. That's about it though.

I don't know how it came up, but I ended up asking him what he was studying, or what he was going to do, something along those lines. He told met that he is a musical performance major. He also mentioned that the great majority of musical performance majors are either guitarist or vocalist, but he's not. He is majoring in clarinet. He is going to be a professional clarinet player.

IS A BOSS.

High Hopes

Thumper. Yeah. We thought we were at least as good as them. We were sure we could do that. I mean, look at them. We had it together at least that well. but everything fell apart. I was so stoked on just that email; I guess I still hoped it could work out. But now, I see nothing. I see no destination.

If things were as they had been, I would be flying right now. I would be the happiest kid ever. Where can this go, though? Is this a legitimate possibility?  Is this something that I can continue to hold on to? would it be worth it?

I saw this thing the other day that said "some people believe in God; I believe in music. some people pray; I turn up the radio."

My psych teacher was talking about sarcasm. he told this story about how his wife (who is also a teacher) challenges the students to come up with an example of sarcasm where there isn't a victim, or someone who is hurt by it. Link (my teacher) said his favorite example someone came up with was this girl who said she jokes with her boyfriend on the way to the bedroom, "are you ready to have sex for 2 minutes?" which, no one argued was actually a good thing for her to say.
"no, I'm just trying to relieve tension, make light of it..." -That girl.

 I'm pretty sarcastic sometimes, so I'm trying to think of who I'm victimizing.

I wasn't happy today. It seems like I've been feeling kinda bummed more often lately. Maybe it has to do with what I've been thinking about God. It isn't exactly happy times struggling with everything I've believed. Tonight, I went to the Redroom, for the open stage night. I love those (tonight was a little more awkward than last time, but there was still some stellar performances). I played 4 times, 3 songs. It was fantastic. "Look at you; you're grinning from ear to ear!"